Recap:New Moon:For Dummies
by Major Dover111
Summary: Edward is all like "Oh my god, how is this house so dirty..Emmett you are a dirty boy, leaving your boxers and socks around the house, we are vampires Emmett, not cavemen!"  "...You know you want to read the rest. VIVA LA GLITTERTITS!


**Authors Note:** I'm glad we meet again kiddies, even all you angry fangirls. So, just like I said I would do a recap for every movie. (Breaking Dawn will have to be put on hold for a while, maybe I'll just recap the book?) So this is my next istallment to my recapping sensation, New Moon. Yes, this one was really fun because I get to make fun of Jacob and Bellas depression. I'm so shameless. I hope you all enjoy it, even you crazy fangirls, because even if I make you laugh once, it's a win for me.  
But please if you hate it, don't be shy to send some hate comments to me. I need some toilet reading.

Go check out my last istallment- Recap:Twilight:For Dummies

I'm not the author Stephenie Meyer, cause if I was I would be wasting all that cash on having people clean my toilets

...

**Scene 1: Dream Sequence/Birthday Bella**

Charlie: Is that a gray hair?

_We start off with Bella Swan having an acid trip dream. She is running in a bright sunny place where only good things can happen, and then POOF, she is in a forest clearing. See what's wrong with this picture? well it gets worse. __She sees an old lady in the distance, it looks like Helen Keller from here, but no! It's Bellas granny. I can see where Bella gets her awkwardness from. And then something shiny catches my eye, what could it be? None other than Edward Glittertits Cullen. I thought he died in the last book? Damn. _

_So Ward-O steps out into the sunlight, sparrkkklllyyy (do that in a gay mans voice) and Bella is like "Noooo! Edward!, if my grandma sees you she will mistake you for Lady Gaga". And Edward is like "Bitch, take my hand and lets talk to this old hag" So the two lovebirds go hand in hand to the old woman. Bella begins to introduce Sparkles to her grandma but then something catches her eye. Her grandma is making indentical movements as her, like an epic game of Simon Says. Bella is confused and like "WTF granny, you still on your meds?" And then hits Bella like a brick, the old hag is Bella. Oh noes, Bella got U-G-L-Y she aint no alibi, she ugly yeah yeah she ugly. _

_I wonder if Bella actually got that old if Edward and her would still have sex? I mean he already bitches at how fragile she is at 17, imagine her at like 99 trying to Edward in the sack. Edward would all be like "Noooooo! Bella, please take your hand off my trousers love, you are too old and fragile, I cannot bear to think what would happen to your aging bones if I lost control. No Bella I'm not being cocktease, its too dangerous, I'm a monster BAAAWWW" Hehe. Anyways Bella is pissy about this and then Edward kisses Bella wrinkly old hand and wishes her a happy birthday. Indeed, Edward, it tis a happy birthday. And Bella wakes up from her dream. _

_Ok, that's a f*cked up dream, __I mean, I don't even have dreams like that, and one time I dreamed I was a fried egg and my mom was trying to drown me in ketchup and I was like "What the F*ck Mom? Are you going to eat me? NNOOOOOO" Lulz. _

_So Charlie Sexy Mustache comes in and gives her presents. YYEEAAYYY presents oh, its only a camera and a scrapbook. Well, at least I can take nude pictures for Eddikins now. And Charlie makes a crack about Bellas gray hair. Score one for Charlie. And Bella gets all pissy, blah blah._

**Scene 2: Jacobs Gift & Parking Lot/ Alices Present**

Bella: No fair Jasper...with the mood control thing

_So after Bella has a PMS about her gray hair, she drives her crap truck to school. She sees all her ex- friends, that were her friends before she got tangled up in Glittertits. She wants to take a picture of them and heckle it later like "Hahaha puny insects, in a couple of months I shall be beautiful and you will stil be fugly albino, hormonal, teenagers" Naw, she just wants it in her scrapbook. I wonder if she actually made one? __I mean I would be surprised because her schedule is so busy, with having acid trip dreams, trying to get Edward to sleep with her, convincing him to turn her cause she is so ugly and clumsy bbaaawww!_

_And then in super slow motion we say the gaymobile drive up and the whole group is like "Faggatron is here to dazzle Bella, g2g" And Faggatron Cullen walks out in super slow motion, like is that suppose to be sexy or something? I just thought Edward was retarded and couldn't walk very fast. After about 10 minutes he finally makes it up to her. "Did you like meh sexy walk?" Oh lawd. So EdwArd is like "Happy Birthday" and Bella is like "OOMMGGGGGGG I"M SO OLD! I'M GONNA GET SAGGY BOOBS! BAWWWWW! SO OLD!" And Edward is like O.o ? Then Edward makes a comment about how he like 1000 years old or something. Really? __is that suppose to make her feel better? To remind her she is going out with an old perverted man who has tendency to sparkle like Richard Simmons? She doesn't seem to care as she exchanges salvia with him._

_EWWWWwwwww. I wonder secretly wonder sometimes if like Bella asked Alice or Esme what sex is like with a vampire, like I bet Bella put water in a condom and put in the freezer, after a few hours it would be like a frozen penis. Wha-la an exact replicant of how Edwards penis would feel to her. Oh gawd, I just vomited in my mouf. Anyways, Edward says someone is here to see Bella, a slow sexy turn reveals its Jacob. Still with his punk ass long hair. Bella first notices that Jacob has filled out...THATS WHAT SHE SAID!. Sorry. I meant like filled out in the shirt with lots of muscles._

_She scolds him for using steriods, he scolded her fur using a frozen dildo in the place of Edward. He gives her a dream catcher. IRONIC. "OMMGGZZ JACOB! IT"S PERFECT NOW I WON"T HAVE DREAMS ABOUT BEING OLD, CAUSE THAT'S WHAT NORMALS HUMANS DO, BUT I'M NOT NORMAL" Then Jacob gives Eddie a death glare and prances away. Then we zoom into a scene where bella is walking in the hallway, and Edward comes up demanding to know why he can't give her a gift but Jacob can. Bella is like "Because I asked you to take off your chasity belt, but you went crazy and pulled up your pants, screaming like a girl" Edward is like "that wasn't a proper gift request"_

_Tee-hhe. No, Bella just says "Because I have nothing to give back to you" And Edward gives some sappy speech about how much she means everything blah blah. Then out of F8cking air, Alice jumps out infront of Bella, Bella is like "Alice you gotta stop that, I'm gonna pepper spray you on of these times". Lol. Just keeding, Alice is all like "Lol, I got you a present, your gonna love it" She is playing F*cking mind games again. I would just act all pissed off when I opened it, just to screw with Alice. Then Bella basically gets told that she will be attending a party at the Cullens house. _

_I love it when Bella is manupilated into doing things she doesn't wanna do. Like a little robot. __I say this because not three seconds ago Jasper was f*cking around with her emotions to make her more agreeable. Oh Jasper, how I love thee so. So Alice is all like "LOL awesome this gonna be soooooo fun" Then Bella actually catches on Jasper playing around with her emotions "Not fair Jasper, not fair" she says. Jasper just shrugs it off like "Bitch". Oh if you four only knew what a big hit the party really is going to be tonight. Dare I say it will be bloody fangtastic? ...(insert round of appaluase here)_

**Scene 3: Romeo and Juliet/ Volturi Talk**

Edward: (Recites an epic long line in Romeo and Juliet)

_So we see our favorite couples head off to English class? I'm not sure actually. But they are watching Romeo and Juliet. Oh that movie made me cry like 0 times. Anyways Edward and Bella are too cool to pay attention and are talking about how easy it is for humans to kill themselves, start taking notes Bella, you'll be needing them later. _

_And Ward-0 goes off on a tangent "You humans have it easy, for vampires it's alot harder to kill ourselves" Seriously, your immortal, beautiful, awesome senses, and everybody want to screw you, why would you want to kill yourselves? Sparkletits then brings up if Bella ever died he would toss himself to a painful death. I wonder what his most painful terifying death expeirence would be? __Probably having to brush his hair or brushing Jacobs._

_He says that he would go provoke the Volturi. He sounds like Steve Erwin here. Because he goes off on how dangerous the Volutri are and such. And Steve Erwin is always like "There is a King Cobra over thar, the most deadly of all snakes, one bite and I'm dead...I'm gonna go poke it with a stick" *HISS* "It's angry! It's angry!" Lulz. _

_So back to the scene where Bella is like "OMG, Edward don't ever kill yourself your too beautiful and I haven't got a chance to take your virginity yet" Then we cut into a scene where there is a big ass painting of some hoighty toighty royal looking albinos. They are seated in big ass chairs with big ass smiles on their faces like they know something you don't. I bet one of them is gay. Seriously whats up with the long hair? Get a mohawk and dye the tips bright green. I would respect you and your fanged friends so much more. _

_Ok, so back to Edward and Bella, he is showing her this picture and poiting out who the faces are, even Carilse is pictured in there but you gotta find him, it's almost like a "Where's Waldo" game. So the three vampires names are Aro, Cacius, and I forget the other name, but I bet it sounded like a type of food._

**Scene 4: The Birthday Party/ Car Kiss**

Emmett: Dating an older woman...hot

_"It's time, it's time!" When Alice said those words I thought she meant it was time for Bella to start her period. But no, it twas time for the party. So they descend the stairs and see the whole family is there, almost made me tear up, all the love there. Alice is raping Edward and Bella with camera. Rosalie just stands there all pissy and Emmett is probably trying to remember the score of the football game that aired today. _

_So, Alice starts handing Bella presents one was stereo for her truck, that was nice of Emmett, I was almost scared he was gonna buy Bella lingerie. That would be funny, Bella opens up the presents, gets all red and embarassed and Emmett starts howling with laughter like "Alice! Alice! take a picture of Bellas red face, I want to be able to heckle at her embarassment later!" Edward just stands there seething like "Must you be immature all the time Emmett, can't you see your pranks embarass Bella? " Emmett is still on the ground laughing in between gasps of giggles he is like "Oh my..god...did...you see...her...FACE?" Jasper and Rosalie just stand there not sure what to do. Alice would proably try to comfort Bella saying "It's ok Bella, its cute actually, I could take you shopping for more" making Bella even more embarrased. _

_But back to the orginal scene, Rosalie hands her ap resent and is like "It's a necklace, Alice picked it out". What.. I love it. We never get to see what Carisle and Esme get her because Bella gets (dramatic music) A PAPERCUT...OH NOES! __Seriously? On wrapping paper Bella? Did it have razors at the end or something? So after Bella gets cut she just stand there like "Ouch, papercut" and she lets it bleed unto the nice carpet. Bitch. Edward is going have to clean that after you leave. _

_Lol, Imagine Edward in cleaning gloves with cleaning soap and rags. __"Oh my god, how is this house so dirty..Emmett you are a dirty boy, leaving your boxers and socks around the house, we are vampires Emmett, not caveman!" _

_So, yea Bella bleeds unto the floor and super slow motion, Edward turns around to see Jaspers face. And I must say, that is a sexy face. Edward is like "Oh f*ck" and we see Jasper start to run to Bella, looking actually pretty scary, props to Rathbone for his acting. And being all gentlemen Edward pushes Bella into the wall and pushes Jasper the piano. And then all hell breaks loose, Jasper takes a charge at Bella again, who is now bleeding even more because of Edwards push. That was a douchebag move. _

_And Emmett takes a firm hold on Jasper like "It's ok bro, it's ok, remember that time Bella had her period..remember how you controlled yourself?" And you can just tell Rosalie is like "Bitch got what she deserved" So after Jasper is dragged out, all the other vamps besides Carisle leave. It's almost as awkward as farting and it smells so bad that people actually have to leave. So Carisle bandges up her arm, and I stared at that lovely rump of his, I admit, I even drooled a little. Bella is like "Why must I smell so damn good" and Carisle is like "I dunno, you smell like sh*t to me". LOL. _

_After Bellas stiching up session, we see Edward driving her back to her house. Bella talks about how it was nothing, what just happened with Jasper. Yea, Bella, it was nothing,_  
_I mean he didn't even bite you. Edward responeds with some passive agressive statement and the truck stops. So the next part actually makes me gag a little bit. Bella is like "Since it's my birthday, can I ask for one thing?" you can tell Edward is thinking "Oh, god, I hope she doesn't try to ask me to take off my chasity belt again" but Bella respondes with "Kiss me?"_

_And awkward kissing scene. Edward always has this pained look on his face when he kisses Bella, it's like her breath really stinks and it pains him to breathe it in or something. Oh, well, Happy Birthday Bella._

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Ok, so I know I don't have alot of scenes done in this one, but I thought my readers would like even a little tidbit if I could get it done. I'll be swamped this week so the chances pf writing some more scenes are slim. So I did this tonight to please my fans.

Look forward to my next chapters. I will get them done ASAP.

Cia~


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